Lately I've been thinking a lot about all this hubbub about leaning in and not working from home and what women should be doing to be successful in the work place. I've been having a hard time organizing my thoughts on this into a concrete argument, so forgive me if this is a tad stream of consciousness.
Obviously, as a "working mother" I have a dog in this fight. I am walking out of my door every morning and going to another place where I sit down and do stuff. I cannot take my child with me to this place and so my child goes somewhere where someone else watches her.
Just so we're all clear on where I stand on the "stay at home" vs "going to work" mom debate. I think whatever works for you and your kids is what you should be doing. Personally, to me, this is not my ideal situation. It is to some people. I do know that the day care where my daughter goes is made up of awesome people, and she in no way is suffering from going there. Far from it, she gets a lot of attention and play time, and socializes with a bunch of other kids. If I were a "stay at home mom", I would still have her in play groups or part time day care for the socialization.
Now as far as "leaning" into anything, I think that's great advice for young women. People without families. Yeah! Go for it! Put everything into your career. Don't worry about work/family balance until its something you feel you need to worry about, ie you're getting ready to start a family.
And here's where it falls apart for me, because no mater what the ideal is, the reality is that this part of it falls on the women. This is not a "choice" that fathers are usually asked to make, or even consider. There is very little national conversation about "Working Dads." "Stay at Home Dads" are only talked about as this novelty of modern parenting. No one tells a father they are doing the wrong thing by returning to work after their child is born, because it is culturally accepted that they will go back to work.
Even in situations where the debate is "Who will stay at home," another reality comes into play. On average, women make less than men. It's not fair, it's not right, but it's what is. If it comes time to decide someone to stay at home, finances usually play a big part, and whoever makes less is the more obvious candidate. Basing it totally on national averages, that would more likely than not be the woman.
One of my (few) issues with day care is the cost. Paying for my daughters day care eats up a huge chunk of my income. So much of it in fact that there was a point where we debated me leaving my job, and trying to eek it out on just WorkingMan's income. After running the numbers it didn't make sense (I'm the health care, we cannot afford health care without me working.) I can see the cost of day care very easily becoming prohibitive to a woman who makes just a little less, or who's partner makes enough that they can live on just their income.
Now lets go down the road of both parents working. Now this is a situation I'm familiar with. We both work. We both juggle home and work commitments. There is no one at home taking care of the domestic side of things. When my daughter gets sick, we alternate who takes off from work to stay home with her. I am supremely lucky that I have an equal partner in this, who steps up and "leans in" at home. But even with all of that help, with both parents working, neither of us is giving 100% either at home or at work. I have to leave on time to go pick up my daughter, which means I couldn't take on a project that would require me to work late.
Another factor in this whole mess is income. If I made enough to hire a nanny, or to be able to order food more often, or to hire someone to come clean our house, things might be easier. If I could pay someone to make us dinner, or to do some of those household chores (Laundry, dishes, vacuuming, etc) There would be so much more time in our days. There would me more room for "leaning in" to whatever we wanted. Instead, if WorkingMan is late getting home from work, I miss a run. If one of us doesn't run the dish washer, or start that load of laundry, we run out of clothes or dishes.
I guess my frustration stems from the fact that our society right now is just not set up to support the working family. Unless you stumble into an ideal situation, or are lucky enough to be able to work your way there, every choice is a compromise. And when every choice is a compromise, you cannot give yourself 100% to anything.
